My Story

I moved to a place where the culture was a lot different. As a teenager, I of course wanted to be accepted; by people in school and society. That time too was the moment I started to close myself up, curate myself in a certain way, and became more careful on what I showed. Let's say, that was when my social anxiety became worse. I became more and more reserved and shy with crazy amounts of trust issue and insecurity, to the point I believed that I simply couldn't talk with new people, even though it was never like that before.

Actually, before that, I already had disorganised attachments. It gave me bad times too, yes, but at least I knew I easily belonged in the town I was from. But for a teenager who already had insecure attachment and some other childhood trauma, cultural mismatch with new rules on how to be accepted wasn't small. I'm also the eldest child in my family, so I was raised "responsible" for every case and everyone possible.

Fast forward, I grew up and moved to a big city for college when I was 19 years old. I've already spent years consuming self-"improvement" content on social media that time, along with internalising the definition of success. Spending time in the previous place I lived in trained my brain to think that impressive = acceptance and belonging. So that was what I ended up chasing. I've already planned my journey all the way; 5-year plan like what social media told me. So I got into an accredited university through one of the hardest way to get in. Lol, I was insecure, so that really boosted my ego, "Ooo... I did it!" I did it well in college; my lowest grade was B. I planned my other stuff too. I stared taking a social media course and gave it a practice, which gave me my first time experience ever to have a social media content without high following. I tried to work out at home too, because I wanted to be like "that girl" on social media who got everything together; and because I didn't want to be a shameful "failure".

All of these sound "productive", right? "Cool"? Yeah, from the outside. I was constantly anxious and stressed back then. It was exhausting, like I had to constantly walk (well, sprint) on thin ice while waiting for the other shoe to drop at any time. And I never thought something was wrong with that at all. For my younger self who was deep in survival and trauma, it was simply… life, adulting, being responsible; it was just... "reality".

Yeah, I thought so too back then. But I'll start with that burnout first, because that was the first time I started questioning what success and happiness are, which means... that was how I ended up digging into my old trauma.

So when that burnout happened, there was this crazy numbness and scepticism I felt towards everything in my life; and anger: and sadness; and disappointment too. But turned out, they weren't new at all. Those emotions had been here with me for a long time, but I subsconciously (and consciously) buried them inside so that I could "keep going", wouldn't become a "failure", and my life wouldn't "fall apart". And as horrible as it might sound, that burnout too was the one saving me from the pressure. It gave me a permission to admit I was exhausted. Yeah, that was the first time I ever admitted that, without feeling that I was broken. So in a journalling session back then, I prayed to God for a life I truly enjoy and don‘t need an escape from. My nervous system said it was unrealistic, of course. But from the moment, God has been guiding me to dive into myself, one step at the time.

I was deep in survival mode, and surrounded by people who believed in hardship, so living a peaceful life wasn't like an instant light switch. Healing isn't linear, and I had to learn to be patient and compassionate with myself; to not forcing myself to meet a certain "requirements" or expectations like what I used to give myself. I let God decide where to go, and He led me to see a lot of things I wasn't conscious of, and also things I was crazily resistant to face. Nope, lol, it wasn't clean or powerful or badass like what social media shows. It was messy; circular; disorienting, at times. I've had breakthroughs that made things easy and enjoyable in my life; and other times, I also hide from a truth when it was too painful to face. But if you asked me if I'm happy now, I am. My life feels a lot lighter now, I start to feel more open to people, I can rely on others, it feels easier to just rest, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a human being with limits anymore. But you know what? It's a cycle; a neverending cycle. As long as I'm alive, I'll naturally learn more by the time, just like every single being in this universe. And as I'm learning about this thing called life, I want to share the journey with you, my friend. We don't have to figure it out alone 🩷, let's walk together 🤗.

Throughout this process of relearning what's normal, I found myself expressing my feelings, the insights, the breakthrough, the spirals, etc in my art. Lol, sometimes it ends up becoming a poem. Sometimes, it's a song I end up drafting in my recording app. Sometimes, my heart tells me to open the writing app and pour it there too. Lol, it depends on what God wants it to become. That's how I noticed that this specific muse lights me up. And honestly, it feels good too to share this new reality to others 🩷.

Through this work, I'd love to share my first-person point of view of what happens in my head, my nervous system, and reality as I'm rewriting my stories. I'd love to share the hope, the grief, the light, the storm, the growth, the messy parts, the newfound meanings, the loss, the healing, the pain; this journey realistically. And I hope by doing this, I get to be there with you as you're processing your own story. If my crafts help you see yourself more clearly, name a feeling and pattern that's way too subtle to name, or hug your emotions with patience, then that's a success for me. Whenever you need to borrow certain feelings from my crafts to help you feel, then go ahead, my friend. May God heal you too 🤗🩷.